New Year is here... New Year is here...

hmmmm... so the new year is here... I tried writing something for Christmas, something for New Year, but failed. I tried asking Santa for some gifts, but couldn't think of anything. Am I so content with what I have or am I confused what to ask? no idea :-)

For some reason, I just cant write these days. Dont have the patience to. My mind is too restless with a million thoughts, million emotions, all moving forward, twisting, turning, changing at such a fast pace that i am almost breathless. If I stop to think one thought through, understand one emotion, analyse one situation, something like a traffic jam happens in my mind and each one honks the loudest to get his way cleared and I give up on this mess just like our Bangalore traffic police.

hmmm... nevertheless, since the new year is come, let me try and sort out this mess. I am not going to reflect on the year 2006 because it has been the most eventful year of my life and I will lose track and not talk about the coming year, which is my objective for this post. However, just to give you an idea, the year 2006 changed my life... it changed my career decisions, my ambition, my personality, my relationships and overall my way of looking at life. The experiences were many. This was the year I got into the family business, I realized my inclination and career ambition which brought clarity to my thoughts. My relationships with family and friends changed and for the first time they have formed into concentric circles and while some people have settled at the core, others have found their places at various orbits. A year rich in experiences... for the first time I experienced something so close to death and so close to love. And both these experiences taught me a great deal and changed my approach to life itself.

So here are some guidelines for the new year. I will not term them resolutions, because every year I break them on 2nd Jan.

1. Early to bed and early to rise: Its high time I discipline myself. For ever I have been sleeping at something like 2.00 in the night and getting up at 9.00 in the morning. Starting 1st Jan, I am going to sleep at 11.00 every night and get up at 7.30 a.m and this time I mean it... even if I have to keep 3 or 4 alarm clocks at different distances between my bed and the bathroom.
2. Figure in fitness: This was the name of the gym I joined some 6 months back, paid some 4000 rupees and turned up 2 days... yes I am that shameless... So I am going to exercise myself everyday morning and evening including treadmill, some walking/jogging and stretching exercises and I need to get back to shape... No more Mc Donalds and Pizza Huts... I need to fit into all my jeans and trousers latest by July... grrrrrr I hate myself
3. Slow and steady wins the race: I need to go slow on my bike. I need to stop racing with every two wheeler on the road and resist the temptation of sneaking into the smallest gap on the road just because it is a little ahead from where I am standing... Poor thing my sister, sitting behind me, she has risked her life so many times.
4. Work is worship: I am just going to work work and work this year. I have to get this company some name and profit. They have placed so much of trust in me and I have been wasting my office time orkuting, ryzing and blogging and fwds and all that. Shit I feel disgusted with myself... I cant believe I am the same girl who used to be known as a workaholic in my last job. I need to stop cribbing and buck up... I am going to give it my best...
5. Girly Girl: Yes I am going to become more "girly" now... I really need to groom myself, become more sophisticated and women like... I mean scream on the top of my voice if I happen to spot a cockroach or a rat, blush when people pay attention or give a compliment and act like I can't lift a suitcase myself and open a sealed bottle and cant eat a morsel after my first roti and faint at the least distress... yeah and gossip and giggle and all that crap... shit it sounds so ridiculous and I am a Karate brown belt... huh and yes I need to wear my jacket while riding my bike so my hands dont get tanned any further and I need to start using a sunscreen and go for regular trips to the parlour for manicures and pedicures and waxing and threading... uffffff those endless cycles...
6. Words... its only words: And words are all I have to keep myself sane... I am going to read more and more and more and endlessly. There is so much to read and I dont know how to increase my speed. I have to finish Norman Lewis' vocab book and memorize the readers digest vocab special latest by July... and I need to write atleast one piece, be it poetry or prose every saturday and write something meaningful, something nice... and write in second or third person. I dont know why I always write in first person... I tell you I am such an egotist, obsessed with I, me and myself....
7. Clay shuttered doors: And I am going to seal my heart in an iron case and fill the crevices with clay and cement. No one is going to touch my heart till I am 26... that would be the right time I guess when I would be mature enough to handle all that. Till then no four letter word even remotely sounding like "love" is going to enter my life.
8. Sabse bada rupaiyaa: And I am going to keep a tab on what I spend and where... high time I start saving money, make some investments... and yes understand shares and mutual funds and all the economics and accounting that I have been running away from... I need to buy that dream house latest by 2010... I will... I will... I will...
9. And Live life Kingsize: errr... no queensize :-) I am going to do all those things that i always wanted to do... like go for Lok Paritran meetings... become an active member and contribute, then start serious work on our Manuscripts project for the aged... the project must be up and running this year. And I am going to watch lots of plays even if bhai gets angry... I wl figure out some way... somehow...
10. The add-ons: 9 sounds an odd number... let me think of one more... ummmmmmmmm Yeah I am going to learn swimming, finally get a driving license (can u imagine, I have been driving for the last 4 years without a license), a Pan Card and a voter's id. absolutely must.

hmmm... so thats it... only this much for this year and then 2007 will rock. But will anyone recognize me if I become like this? whatever...

Wish you all a verrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy happy new year and have loads of fun and keep smiling forever and ever and ever... :-)

Cheers!

Minakshi

Talaash...

Ashkon mein, sapno mein,
Manzil mein, rishton mein,
Arth ko talaasha kiye hum.

Sachchai mein, achchayi mein,
Masoomiyat mein, wafai mein,
Khushi ko talaasha kiye hum.

Dard mein, judai mein,
Khud mein, khudai mein,
Pyaar ko talaasha kiye hum.

Yeh talaash kuch is kadar zindagi ban gayi,
Ki aaj zindagi ki talaash mein nikle hain hum.

Raah mein kaanten bichh bhi jaayen toh kya?
Paaon agar chhil bhi jaayen toh kya?

Saanse abtak chal rahi hai magar,
Dhadkan aaj ruk bhi jaaye toh kya?

Kuch is kadar dum bharen aaj,
Ki dum bhi agar nikal jaaye toh kya?

Jiya bahut hai tukdon mein aajtak,
Aaj zindagi ko paakar mar bhi jaayen toh kya?

These shameless tears...

Again they rolled down my cheeks as I stared at my sister, walking down the airport towards the Luftansa kiosk. I just turned a little to pat them dry and with a smile waved her good bye for a year at least.

The other day, I bumped into my brother at a signal on MG Road… He in a rickshaw and I on my bike… He waved to me from a distance and lip-synched something inconsequential… but his eyes were smiling, the smile of childhood… when he used to tease me with his funny rhymes and he would pull the belts of my frocks, irritating me… Now offcourse we are grown up and mature… nevertheless, a drop or two just rolled down inside my helmet and I could feel the cushion underneath my chin wet… The signal turned green and I zoomed off…

And then, when I went to college after two years, and met an old friend, as if by reflex, we just walked over to the same old, familiar corn wala at the gate and ordered for two half corn cabs with the spicy green chutney… As I took off my bike after the little nostalgic tit-bit, with blinded eyes and rolling tongue, I banged into a car only a few yards from the college gate. Whether his chutney had become spicier now or my tongue turned sweeter, I never figured…

They again promptly rose the moment my brother yelled at me for slackening up in business. I furiously told them… “Hold! Its business and you dare not interfere”. They heeded.

They decided to trick me another time. Changing their usual route, they rose from the throat, traveling all the way to the eyes through a hidden tunnel. All this trouble, only to catch me off-guard, when I see his name highlighted in my yahoo chatlist.

They are so unpredictable. Shamelessly show up when you want them the least… embarrassing you all the time… while watching an emotional movie scene or reading a book… and then people around smile at you as if you were caught stealing something. And yet they don’t show-up sometimes, when you are alone and wish you could cry your heart out in the pillows. When you wish they would come to your rescue in a heated discussion, just to end it. When grief sets in so much that your heart breaks, your throat sinks and your head is ready to burst any moment… they don’t show-up… and in absence of any action, just to fill the gap, you smile.

Nature Vs Man

So again it is proved.
Nature has established its supremacy
Again, once again.
You thought you could tame her?
Subdue her? Control her?
Look how she crushes
The overwhelming, unconquerable
Civilization of Mankind.
Look how she responds
To our blows of thoughtless exploitation,
With a blow- so final, so conclusive.

Now she rests,
After the great Tandav Nritya-
The Dance of Destruction.
The land, the sea, the wind,
All are now calm, composed, satiated,
Having consumed the lives of several,
And the souls of several others
Who still live- Lifeless, Soulless.
Nature has claimed its right
Over the universe and over us.
And we finally submit to her will.

I gaze at the devastated grounds,
Where once stood a flourishing civilization,
Now completely wiped out. Not a trace left.
And my heart sinks to the depth of despair.
A lump seems to be stuck in my throat.
I cannot swallow it, I cannot spit it out.
But slowly the lump melts and trickles
Through my eyes, drop by drop into a stream.
The cold glacier has melted into saline water,
Whose warm currents comfort my heart.

Finally, the age-old battle between Nature and Man ends,
For Nature triumphant, establishes its reign.


This is not a poem... not a prose.... but only a rant I wrote after the Tsunami... I remember It was new year's eve and we were sitting at home watching a documentary on discovery channel about Tsunami...

A rendezvous with death...

Death… She always thought she would outwit him whenever he came. She was confident about herself, she was confident about her God and she was confident about Death. Afterall, she had known him so close ever since her childhood. She understood him. He was her dark secret. Something so special that she could allow nobody the intelligence of that sphere of her world. He was like a companion, not directly… But like a friend’s friend, with whom she shared a silent understanding. He was always associated with someone close to her… like a secret admirer staring at her, trying to steal an eye contact at every opportunity he got. Once or twice earlier he had been successful in locking her sight for a few minutes. But this moment was like nothing before… her first real rendezvous with him. She felt thrilled... she felt vulnerable… like in the arms of a passionate lover. She felt his proximity and her pulses quickened. She was breathless… partly because the sea denied her a lungful of air and partly with anticipation for the meeting with this strong, dynamic and powerful persona, almost the knight in the shining armour. She shivered… visibly due to the cold sea soaking her and inwardly because she knew the ultimate moment of surrender had come. The moment had come to give up herself completely, body and soul to this childhood admirer. She wished she could hug her family one last time and say a loving adieu like any other bride departing from her parent’s home… say the few things she always wanted them to know… But there was no time and so she squeezed all her emotions, all the million wishes in one word “God Bless” uttered under her breath. She could feel his shadow now on her body and she moved in to his embrace.

Just then a motor boat sped towards her in lightening speed and she could see a man dive into the cold sea. As if by reflex, Death released her from his embrace. He shunned her… just like he had never approached her earlier in somebody’s presence. She was confused… panicked… And then she could feel the warm life-like clasp of a hand on her arm, a strong hand around her waist that pulled her towards the motor boat. The sea that seemed so fond of her earlier now moved back to give her way. The friction of the water and the calm voice of this stranger pulled her out of the state of limbo she had elapsed into... As if waking up from a dream, she looked around and saw the same cold sea. But her hero was gone. The shadow of the knight in the shining armour just faded into thin air. In its place stood this real brave soldier who saved her life… And for once, she was glad she was alive.


Methinks: There is always a thin line between life and death, fantasy and reality, between truth and lies and I guess more often than not a writer mixes them up, blends them inseperably to produce a piece of art. I do not claim to be a writer or produce a pice of art... but yes my writings are a blend of reality and imagination, of truth and lies and this particular one even mixes up life and death :-)

With such a beautiful abode, will God reside in our hearts?

The lesser vice...

We tread the green hills slowly along with the sun.
Greedy eyes groping for every sight of greenery,
Gulping every breath of cool, fresh air,
Resounding every chirp, every rustle, every gush;
Of the birds, the leaves and the crystal water falls.
Accustomed to the White, Black and Grey of civilization,
This green hue was a pleasant retreat –
A retreat to the wilderness…

…A wilderness that discovers my peace,
Long lost in the battle of strife.
A wilderness that revives my youth,
Long lost under the burdens of civilization.
A wilderness that restores my soul,
Long lost, seeking the lusts of the body.
A wilderness that heals the bruises of an aged civilization,
A wilderness that tranquilizes, rejuvenates and regenerates.

Yet, as the sun begins to hide beneath the sea,
A shadow seems to spread over the wilderness.
All the intimacy and oneness with the wilderness
Begins to flee, and a stranger faces me.
A stranger- dark, unknown, impenetrable
Stares back at me with a ghastly look.
And I, shivering like a child, wail and seek
The comfort of my nest, the warmth of my hearth.

On my bed, as I repose, I wonder:
What is more frightening- Wilderness or Civilization?
One stands dark, unpredictable, impenetrable;
The other slouches tiringly, loathsome and burdensome.
One sends a shiver running through the body that paralyzes;
The other slowly and steadily sucks the nectar of life.
One marks the retrieve to the primitive, atavistic origins;
The other promotes a meaningless, soulless progress.

Hercules perhaps had an easier choice between Virtue and Vice.
While we his successors, speculate to choose the lesser vice.

Written after a trip to Chikmangalur... A beautiful place but the drive back was one of the scariest drives I have ever had...

An Expedition...

I run fast...faster…and faster.
All around me the maddening crowd
runs. All chasing but one,
the masked fellow – Success.
pushing, pulling, tripping, they run.
There he falls! trampled,
he bleeds. Yet they run -
merciless; unheeding; untouched.

I reflect… deep… deeper…
Success! have you seen him?
You? You there? No one.
He is but the glowing sun.
The closer you move, the farther it seems.
And finally you reach it.
But there you are -
scorched; burnt; wounded.

flee! oh man, flee.
There where the breeze blows gentle,
where the tall sheesham dance happily,
where the green meadows soothe your vision,
where the yellow fields merry your heart,
where the rustle of the fallen leaves
sing a tune to your ears -
melodious; charming; enchanting.

flee! oh soul, flee.
There where the sun is not scorching,
where it plays hide and seek
with its dear friend, the cloud.
Where the soft beams glide secretly
through the crevice of the oak window,
and pat gently your eyelids. You wake -
fresh; happy; pleased.

But what is this? A faint sound.
Is it a siren? Or the sigh of the numbers
returning from their work’s monotony.
Tired, loathsome, their legs advance,
but their heart left way behind.
No I err. The sound is solemn.
It attracts and I follow-
unthinking; mesmerized; hypnotized.

Can this be the source? the origin
of that solemn, divine music?
This tattered carcass of man’s devotion?
This fallen roof, these stone walls
smoothened by algae, and grass peeping out
of every crevice. The naked faith stares
through his dark, stony eyes -
powerful; steady; penetrating.

The bells ring and I find,
my head bowed in reverence,
my hands joined in prayer,
and my heart-
calm; peaceful; tranquil.


I do have faith in God. But the faith seems to get lost in the restlessness of the spirit... a feeling of nothingness that is all encompassing. And then I go on an expedition seeking refuge in material happiness, then in nature and then ultimately I find solace in my own faith... A self found happiness. But even that is temporary and every few months... sometimes even weeks, I begin with a yet new expedition.

In thought of thee...

I can see thee now,
In absolute form- thy figure unaltered.
Thy huge frame; Thy brilliant eyes
Glittering, like the first sunbeams
Piercing the wild waves; the smile
Spreading on thy face; thy wrinkled elbows;
Thy tough hands- toughened by experience.
I can see thy figure- Now! Now!
Tangible.

I can feel thee now,
Thy warm hands on my head;
Thy gentle pat on my shoulders;
Thy tender hands pressing on mine;
Thy compassionate eyes filled with tears.
The blessing; the encouragement;
The assurance; the concern;
I can feel thy heart- Now! Now!
Sensitive.

Oh! Can this be a dream?
Memories of two winters slip me.
I forget the grief, the pain;
The unwelcome confinement forced
Upon thy free spirit. There thee stayed
Two winters unmoved, while thy mind
Wandered and wandered- till
Thy eyes turned into stones; thy limbs into logs;
Immovable.

Oh! Do I miss thee?
Thou are lost to me eternally,
Vanished from my sight like a vision.
And there, thou rest with thy Maker.
After trodding life’s labyrinth,
Thou repose among the angels.
Thy calm, serene eyes watch us, now.
And thy face blooms into a smile.
Divine.


Thats my grandpa :-)