In my soft, glistening eyes,
a desperate longing for you cries.
Tender lips quivering to kiss
the dream of an eternal bliss.
I feel your breath,
somehow distant and cold.
I touch your heart,
hoping to touch your soul.
My heart freezes
as moments melt…
I don’t feel the love,
I once felt.
24 comments:
Simply beautiful! Your expression in words is again awesome.
But I wish that this actually never happens to anyone. The most traumatic phase of relatioship is one you do not feel the way you felt ever before...and in that scenario I reiterate to me atleast
"Its better to be lonely alone than being lonely with someone"...
flawless reflection. things seem to be clear like through a saint gobain glasss.
great words...wrapped together...but Minakshi why so predictable...somewhere I felt missing the originality in thinking..
Am sorry but a writer and thinker of your class raises expectation bar...
Mann nahin hai critic dene ka, lekin tumhare liye yeh thoda toh forced hai...
The best line i liked was, 'i touched your heart, hoping to touch your soul', but then it some how does not fit in the entire scheme. Also i think 'congeals' is too much of a word here.
'Khayaal khoobsurat hai bakhoob
bas alfaaz hi kahin kho gaye'
:-)
@Aks: Thanks Aks... and thats quite true, what you said. :-)
@Sushant: hahaha... two things never fail you... analogies and humour. :-)
@Puneet: Oh you think so? I thought I had never written about this feeling of dying love. The last I wrote about was parting.
Hey your "expectation bar" reminds me of my last appraisal... ;-) Do I need to set my goals right? I mean hope you dont expect too much out of me. Hmmm but I agree its definitely not well written. :-)
@Aakash!!!: Critique karna and sunna thoda mushkil hota hai... But that is finally what makes a difference and I really appreciate it. :-)
To tell you honestly, last four lines came in a flash while I was doing something else and I fell in love with those lines... then came the "I touch ur heart..." waale lines. The rest (first 6 lines) were fabricated... But the feeling is true and this time it did not take too much of an effort. But if it looks like that, then obviously its not a good job done. May be I will try and re-work the piece sometime. thanks. :-)
I know, the last lines are really pretty, except the congeal word. See it is like an outsiders, in between the other words. If possible, i would suggest changing it to something simple, something that melts and fits in with the rest, something that belongs. =)
@Aakash!!!: hmmm I know what you are talking about. I chose congeals because I wanted an opposite of melting. The idea was to say that as time melts, the heart hardens (thats how love slowly dies a slow death).
And there was this stanza I wrote first and then deleted because it was sounding too sad. How will it sound if I were to re-work it like this?
In my soft, glistening eyes,
a desperate longing for you cries.
Tender lips quivering to kiss
the dream of an eternal bliss.
I feel your breath,
somehow distant and cold.
I touch your heart,
hoping to touch your soul.
But in a strange vaccum I grope...
With not even a shred of hope...
Just as I fix my wandering gaze,
A streak of light clears the haze.
My heart freezes
as moments melt…
I don’t feel the love,
I once felt.
I have been readin this for the last 3 days, n i dunno about soundin correct or no, but your words sure make me feel something....n THAT I think is the purpose of poetry...let it be straight from ur heart sweety:)
@Kavita: I read something very interesting yesterday. Something that said Poetry is a "game". And it takes two to play the game. Tougher the rules and more excited the players are, the more pleasurable the experience is. And I guess that magic of getting the reader excited enough to play the game, is where this piece fails.
But I am glad it makes you feel something, for that makes me feel a lot. And staright from the heart it is and shall remain. Thanks buddy. :-)
I think that stanza is too out of meter. Had we been singing this, it may have worked.
The 'freezes' fits better i feel. I could have written it as:
Heartbeats freeze
as moments melt
I dont feel the love
I once felt. (perhaps need a syllable more here)
But this new edit is smooth. :-)
Sounds very honest. And in my opinion, being honest is a must for a creative work. Keep it up Minakshi, just flow with the feelings.
Be well
Swaroop
@Aakash!!!: yeah precisely the reason why I did not use it. Plus ofcourse it gives a sad touch to the poem... otherwise the feeling of not feeling the love is actually not so sad... It is moving towards sanity. Hmmm and about music, I have no idea. I love listening to music... but have no such talent... and I really envy people who can sing or play some instruments. :-)
And thanks for your suggestion. But dont you think the word "heartneat" has a connotation to life more than love? I just felt that way. Hmmm too many problems with this poem to be corrected... :-)
@Swaroop: Thanks Swaroop. Yes honesty is very important and who can say it better than you, for your works are just so beautiful in their honest interpretations of the world.
And welcome here. :-)
Cheers!
Meenakshi
Hmmmm for a moment I believed that I had gone blind, not being able to find congeal :)
I dont know what the first treatise read like but I like the second one. Good work girl, though cheer up and write a cheerful piece :D
@Vibhanshu: hahahaha... I edited it. :-)
Thank you. And yes I agree and I promise, my next one shall be cheerful :-))
This is a wonder piece i must say !!!!
@Standbymind: Thanks Aman and welcome here. :-)
Wow... you write good poetry.
It seems we both have at one point felt lost love...
...heart freezes,
... moments melt
--- Redolent poesy.
Will certainly be a regular.
@prince kazarelth: Thank you. I am glad you could connect :-)
Look forward to your visits. :-)
Well, thank you!!
It's not always the case when two bloggers instantly 'connect' as you say :)
Good to be here!!
Well, yes. We did have fun. Everyone had that idea about the 'facelessness'. But eventually it turned out to be good fun...
And, thank you. I really liked your interpretation. I wrote it with somewhat the same idea... Mostly because I was thoroughly depressed.
Hey Thanx Minakshi...I just saw my blogs link here...
Thanx:)
cheers!
Good poetic language liked itttttt
@Prince Kazarelth: hmmm see the "connect" does exist ;-).
And keep writing! :-)
@Standbymind: You are most welcome Aman. :-)
@protegeoflife: Thanks buddy and welcome here... over to your page now...
Protege: I cant comment on your blog for some strange reason. After writing the comment it gives an error and doesn't show the publish icon.
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